


Naked people have little or no influence on society

by Two_Divided_by_Zero



Category: Persona 5
Genre: But is nerk!Akechi reaaaaaaally OOC, Crack, DLC outfits, Humor, M/M, Phone drabble, Possibly OOC Akechi? I mean, Spoilers, Virgin killer sweaters, i made him a bigger jerk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 10:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11251566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Two_Divided_by_Zero/pseuds/Two_Divided_by_Zero
Summary: If clothes make a man, why did Akira chose to put Yusuke in women's clothes?A certain member of the team certainly takes notice and his solution may be worse than the problem.Or: Akechi convinces Yusuke that wearing a virgin killer sweater is a good idea, really.





	Naked people have little or no influence on society

**Author's Note:**

> Still Unbeta'd and unproofread.  
> My phone loves inserting commas everywhere, so I apologize about that.  
> I was challenged to write Yusuke in a virgin killer sweater, but it mostly turned into Akechi being a trolling turd.  
> None of this is meant to be taken seriously.

Joker always was and always would,be a fantastic leader. Quick-witted, cunning… his genius had pulled the Phantom Thieves from many a tight spot. It was not an exaggeration to say they trusted him with their lives. Ann and Panther, Ryuji and Skull, Noir and Haru...it didn't matter which role they were; Akira was Joker and Joker always had the right answer.

He often made decisions involving team composition as well. Sometimes Panther and her cutting whip was swapped for Mona and his curative magic. Sometimes, Skull was benched for relying on magic too much to allow Fox to join the fray.

Such an attentive leader of course noticed morale steadily plummet as they explored the casino. Queen was already distraught that they were essentially _invading her sister's consciousness_ (and not liking she saw). Noir was still upset from her recent loss and rise to responsibility far greater than could be carried on such small shoulders…

The only one who seemed unaffected...well…

(Akira tried to counsel the team to not give any hint of suspicion towards Akechi, but he still caught Futaba and even Yusuke shooting death glares from time to time.)

And so, as he spent another sleepless night of Morgana gently rearranging his innards with those dagger claws, Akira came up with a plan.

“Uhh, dude? Have all the coffee fumes gone to your head or something?”

“No.”

Skull recoiled, still eying the...the...monstrosity?...in his leader's hand. “Then wha-?”

Purple fabric was chucked unceremoniously at his face, causing a muted splutter of indignation. When he eventually escaped the satin - holy shit, was this _satin?!_ \- prison, it revealed, “dude, is this a vest?”

Ever the consummate professional, Akira nodded before walking up to Queen. “Yes and you _will_ be changing into it immediately. Queen?”

“Yes, Jo-ahh..” She gave a muted look of horror at the scant amount of fabric in,her hands. Were those…?

Oh my goodness, they were. He just handed her a spiked bra. As though the bodysuit wasn't humiliating enough…?!

And so it went down the line: Oracle cooed over the camouflage print, Fox poked suspiciously at how...flimsy the material of his shirt seemed, Panther was too busy gushing over how the pastels of Noir’s outfit looked amazing: Mona was busy yowling and hissing at having gotten stuck in the fibers of his afro….

And then, there was Crow. He was so cloyingly grateful about receiving that oversized hoodie that Oracle pantomimed vomiting behind his back.

As he left to change, Panther sauntered up in her new outfit. “ _Oh_ ,” she purred, “well if it'll help in our investigation _I guess I'll just have to change_ ~!”

“Panther!”

Still in full-on theatrics, Panther stroked her land lazily up and down Joker's new t-shirt. “Why, if it's for Joker, I'd-!”

“Panther!” Oracle whisper-shouted, “is-nay on the easing-yay!”

Eyes uncovered by her usual goggles, it was easy to notice her pointed glares at the direction from which Crow was now returning.

“Why Joker!” he ironically enough crowed, causing even Queen to roll her eyes,”though unconventional, I must admit this clothing is rather comfortable! I must commend you on your excellent taste!”

“‘I must commend you on you-ow!” Skull shut Noir a betrayed look for having interrupted his mocking. She merely smiled innocently and rocked on her heels.

“Well then, shall we be off?”

Joker nodded, eager to finish securing the route to the treasure tonight.

“....Are these women’s clothes…?”

“At least you can't scrub a pot with your stupid outfit. Quit your yapping, Fox, and let's go!”

\---

After a particularly nasty agidyne knocked Fox off his feet for the fourth time, Joker called for Noir to step in as his replacement in the frontlines.

Joker charged blindly ahead, closely flanked by Mona, Skull and Noir. Oracle was too absorbed observing from Necronomicon and Panther was doing an admirable job placating Queen that no, she did not in fact ‘look like a streetwalker’ and Skull looked like a sleazy gigolo anyways.

That left…

“So, Fox…”

Rather than acknowledge the obvious bait, Fox continued to fidget with his clothing. The shirt - if it could even be called as such - was so sheer, Oracle had chimed, “tiddy bit nipply in here, isn't it Inari? I thought you were supposed to be used to the cold!”

(Joker had given her a sound swat to the back of the head for that, not that Fox completely understood why. Their leader's face had been a suspicious shade of red though…)

Suddenly, a red hood filled his field of vision. “Fox, am I bothering you?”

“I was always taught that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.”

Crow grinned. “Ahh, even Madarame's words of wisdom to his adopted child were stolen then?”

“You-!”

Crow immediately threw his arms up, gathering the girls’ attention. “Kidding, I was only kidding! Has anyone ever told you that you have no sense of humor?”

Joker looked back at them, giving Yusuke the briefest once-over before issuing orders to Noir to flank the nearest shadow. His heart gave a shallow flop and he couldn't resist pulling at the _right_ leggings practically painted to his legs. “I…”

Like a shark sensing blood, Crow skulked closer with a saccharine smile. “My, our leader certainly is attentive to the needs of his teammates, isn't he?”

_Tug_. “He is rather admirable yes…” Fox trailed off, constantly wary of where anything from Crow's mouth may lead.

Was it his imagination, or was Crow walking just a little more uncomfortably close. “ But my, he certainly does pay quite a bit of attention to you.”

_Another nervous tug_. Where were Panther and Oracle…? “He pays me no more mind than any other member of our party.”

“And you're okay with that?” In the garish lights of the casino, Crows eyes seemed to glow. It was...unsettling, to say the least.

(Moreso knowing exactly what this snake in sheep's clothing had planned. Fox thought of how strange his first look at Robin Hood was, how confusing it was not to see the signature brown and green scheme associated with the thief. Now he understood; master and persona, both were hiding their true colors.)

In a truly unfortunate stroke of luck, Joker chose that moment to pop his head around a corner to find their newest teammate crowding an extremely uncomfortable Fox into a wall. 

An,unfamiliar itch spread across Fox's nose to both of his cheeks, causing his ears to _burn_. Without the mask, Joker's - no, _Akira's_ \- eyes were smouldering.

Crow stared his down for an instant, a curious hum in his throat, before pulling back. When Joker continued to stare him down, the detective just shrugged. “We were talking and lost track of time, my apologies! Have we found another safe room yet?”

And just like that, that smug little shit sauntered off to leave Fox to face their leader's judgemental gaze. After a safe amount of time had passed,he sighed. “He didn't try anything on you, did he?”

Ahh, business. He could handle business. “Nothing out of the ordinary, though he did make a point of isolating me from the rest of the team.”

After one more inspection that actually left Fox's knees physically knocking together, Joker peered back around the corner. “Safe room is just up ahead. I think we're done for the night.”

“But-”

“No ‘buts,’”Joker commanded in a curiously husky voice, “we're done.”

If their leader says they're done, then his word was god. As Fox trudged back to the safe room, nausea roiling in his gut at Crow's jaunty little wave, he couldn't help but feel another set of eyes on him.

The life of a phantom life wasn't exactly the most mundane. Still…

\---

Of course Akechi wouldn't even allow Yusuke the time to snack in peace. As they gathered at LeBlanc, plotting a trip to complete some requests in mementos, the detective chose to invade Yusuke's personal space and cause him to choke on his potato snack.

And he had the audacity to laugh. _Jerk_.

“So, you and Akira, hmm?”

After coughing and choking for a solid moment, Yusuke managed to wipe the tears from,the corners of his eyes and scowl. “What do you mean?”

“Don't think I didn't notice~!” Akechi sang, “They don't call me a world class detective for nothing. Be honest; if you weren't leaning against that wall, you would've been flat on your butt.”

“Wh-” this was Akechi, _the liar_ , but he couldn't ignore his heart. “What exactly are you suggesting?”

“So happy you asked!”

Yusuke suddenly found himself with an armful of some knit fabric and a knot in his gut. “Trust me” ha, as if “and wear this next time we enter the metaverse. Oh and keep the leggings…” 

Yusuke pulled the fabric this way and that. “I don't even know what this is.”

“Just bring it when we explore mementos today. Trust me.”

That was exactly what Yusuke was afraid of.

\---

Under Akechi’s...guidance, Yusuke found himself...well…

He wanted to say ‘dressed,’ but…

“Holy - Inari, _what are you wearing?!_ ”

Oh no… Futaba had a voice that carried…

“Dude, just…. _dude_!” Ah Ryuji, eloquent as ever.

Akechi chose that moment to swan forward and hold his hands forward, a mockery of an artist displaying their piece. “I noticed during our last exploration that Kitagawa seemed rather...cold...in his top. Hence, I found him an alternative!”

Blithely oblivious, he continued to grin while the entirety of the phantom thieves **stared**.

Ann finally broke the silence. “A virgin killer sweater, seriously? They tried to get me to do a shoot in one just last week and I told them to kiss my clothed ass!”

From his side, Futaba oooed and ahhed and he had honestly never felt more violated in his life. “Aww, Inari, why did you keep the leggings? All the _good stuff_ is covered!”

Ryuji looked away with an ugly flush covering his cheeks. “Dude I don't...can we just not today?”

“Hmm? I think Yusuke looks quite cute! Really, it compliments his slim figure so nicely!” Haru chirped and flittered about.

“Haru…” Makoto grabbed her by the arm and hauled her back. “Leader?”

Akira…

Throughout this whole debacle - the shame, the discomfort, the embarrassment of _trusting a known liar_ \- Akira never once took his eyes off him.

It was a miracle how even in so little fabric, Yusuke felt like he was _sweltering_.

“We're calling it off for today.”

Morgana hopped to the center of the group and whined, “but Joker-!”

“We are _calling_ it _off._ ”

As materials were gathered back up, Yusuke couldn't help noticing Futaba hauling an unhappy Morgana off. When he looked at her curiously, she just winked in response.

“You're welcome,” Akechi murmured and patted him on the (bare) shoulder, causing his skin to break out in goose flesh.

Before he could even begin to slink away in shame to change in the bathroom, Akira stepped in his way. “Akira?”

“I think...this has been a long time coming.”

Butterflies erupted in Yusuke's stomach. “How so?”

A hand snaked its way down his bare back, leaving pleasant shivers in its wake. “O-oh.”

“Yeah,” Akira crooned, “ _oh_.”

\---

Neither were particularly surprised to find the group text exploding with questions of whether virgin killer sweaters actually lived up to their name. Yusuke was dismayed, however, to discover Akira had shared a picture of the multiple red welts now covering his back.

And somewhere, Akechi celebrated the success of his plans to (temporarily) foil the phantom thieves.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, for anyone reading this, thank you for making it to the end!
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are my lifeblood. You seriously don't know how excited I am everyone to see another email from this site!
> 
> Drabble requests still open!
> 
> Thank you all again!


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